So Wednesday I left a message on my Facebook, about how I’d felt like I’d been punched in the gut twice. I don’t like to post about private things too much, but I realize I am trying not to be too insular about things anymore, so I’ve decided to talk about it on here, that way I’m discussing it and there may or may not be anyone reading this, so it’s still sort of private.
First off, the one thing that had upset me a bit was being dropped from a show in December. The people who booked the show saw my name on the updated gig list and contacted the booking agent and told them they’d seen me before and didn’t want me on this show. Not because they didn’t like me, but because they’d already seen me once. So fair enough, they’re paying for the gig and if they want someone else, that’s their prerogative. Although I don’t think I have ever performed for these people before, I can’t argue the point, it’s their money it’s their choice. They didn’t say they hated me, they just want someone they haven’t seen before.
That had come on the heels of being told by the Laughterburner Band they decided to go back to being a two piece and that they didn’t need me to join them on the Wednesday Night Bearly’s shows anymore. Shouldn’t be a big deal, they were a two piece before I was added in, and they just liked being a two piece more than a trio, and that’s not saying I suck, it’s saying “We just want to go back to how it was before” and I can’t argue with that. The problem for me was deep seated though, because back in 2000 I was in an Improv Troupe that met once a week and rehearsed for monthly shows at the Oasis club in Toronto, which was like a lifeline to me at that time to be able to perform and have some fun. One night though, I was called to a meeting downtown, where they told me I “Didn’t fit the group dynamic” and was no longer needed for the group and they would be going on without me. I won’t lie and I won’t feel less about myself to admit that I was severely hurt, and it made me depressed for about a month. I cried openly on the way home, and probably for about 5 or 6 hours that night when I got home. That the group did maybe one more show after that and then never performed again should have been some sort of compensation, but was cold comfort for me, and their “Didn’t fit the group dynamic” haunted me for a long time, and clearly still did when I was told by the band they were going back to being a duo, I heard in my head “Don’t fit the group dynamic” when the news hit me. Which is unfortunate, but some things stick with me and that will probably be with me for another few decades to come. (If I live another few decades)
So I’m probably being overly sensitive, and dramatic, but those kinds of things can haunt you and that was why I was upset on Wednesday. But today’s another day, and Ice Cream and binge watching cartoons really do help make things better.